k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
