I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
