you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
