She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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