and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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