you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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