as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
