I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
