Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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