Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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