Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
