Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
