Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
