I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
