please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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