I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
