Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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