fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
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