Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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