I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
