I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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