no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
