there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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