I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
