So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
