my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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