Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
