Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
