All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
Soap is not a condiment
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
