i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
