Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
