nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
