she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
