I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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