ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
