Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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