Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
