Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you didnt know i had herpes?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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