Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
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I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
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Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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