you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
