Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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