I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
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she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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