I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
