I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
