im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
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i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
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She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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