Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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