i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
