cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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