I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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