I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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