Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
