So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
