Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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