I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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