It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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