I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
