is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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