i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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