Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
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when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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